Envy's Fear and Ed's Confession
by Calender
Summary: During the typical fight between Ed and Envy, one miss-interpreted comment leads to school-girl gossip. Ed, what did you get yourself into this time? Minor: one sided EnvyxEd, EnvyxOCxEd One-shot crack fic!


**Envy's New Fear, and Ed's Confession**

"I'm gonna kill you!"

"Hehe, I'd like to see you try, Ochibi-san."

Yup, this was the normal 'conversation' distribute and shared between the homunculus and the state alchemist during their regular fight. Intelligent? Not really. Amusing? Very much so. That is, until Ed worded **one** phrase wrong….

"Why do we keep fighting?" Ed sighed and clapped his hands and his auto-mail spear went away, his bruised and semi-bloody form relaxing. Envy snorted.

"This is a hate-hate 'relationship'. I hate you, you hate me. Simple as that. And that's why we fight!" Envy lunged at Ed, but said alchemist only held his hands out. Envy blinked, his spear-hand (thing) still pulled back. "What are you doing."

"Give me a hug."

"Excuse me?!"

"I'll say it again. Gimme a hug." Envy twitched.

"I HATE YOU! I DON'T WANT A HUG!"

"Well, I don't hate you." Envy almost choked on air. Was this guy high or something?

"I've killed an un-countable amount of people, some of which included your 'friends', threatened the same people, threatened your brother, threatened YOU, and you want a _hug_!?" Ed just nodded. Envy screamed and ran away.

"Wait! Come back, Envy!" He ran faster, until he got to the underground city. He bounded through the door, past the other homunculi and Dante, and into the kitchen. There stood Lei doing… something. Lei was a servant of Dante, and was often a object of torture and somewhat affection or admiration from the green-haired sin. Envy jumped on her, causing her to fall to the ground because of lack of balance. Envy was out of breath and panicking, angry.

"IwasfightingEdandthenhesaid'Gimmeahug'andIfreakedoutImeanwhywouldhedothat,itmakesnosense!buttheniaskedhimwhyandexplainedthatikillpeopleandhestillwantedahug!soiranawayand I NEEED COMFORT!!" he said in one breath, straddling her and keeping her down, forcing her to have all of her attention on him and shaking her by the shoulders. She blinked.

"Are you okay?" she asked slowly as he suddenly stopped shaking her shoulders.

"I dunno..." he sounded oddly like a child. She blinked again, then sighed.

"So...what you're saying is…"

"Ed admitted he was gay from me!!" he wailed.

"Let's go talk to Lady Dante about this, she'll know what to do."

/…With Dante…/

"What's wrong, Envy?" The elderly woman asked.

"Ed's gay for him, at least that's what he said." Lei pointed out, turning her head to Dante, pushing up her sunglasses that hid her scarred eyes. Dante rose an eyebrow.

"I'm afraid I don't understand."

"They were fighting, like always, until Ed stopped and tried to give Envy a hug. Envy freaked out, and here we are."

"Ahh," she muttered. "I see." An idea struck Envy, and he ran up to his room, leaving Dante in the dust and still dragging Lei. She muttered something along the lines of, "If you even try to molest me, I swear-" but he cut her off by placing her on the bed and pacing in front of it, his arms crossed.

"I'm gonna milk this for all it's worth…" he looked up at her and smirked. "And your gonna help me!" She groaned and fell back into the pillow.

"Why me!?"

"Why NOT you?"

"Stop skirting the question."

"I'm not skirting anything, except potentially you."

"Don't piss me off." In a second, he was staring at her, smirking.

"Envy, I said no molesting."

--The Next Day--

Edward Elric begrudgingly trudged into Central Command, muttering incoherent curses, his brother in tow. Once he got to Colonel Roy Mustang's office, instead of knocking, he walked right in, Al following. Everyone stopped doing what they were doing and stared at him. Ed just ignored it and waddled into the Colonel's office. The colonel sat in his chair, staring at some paper work. His hands were laced together and his mouth was hidden behind it.

"Edward, sit down. We have something to talk about." The young alchemist frowned, but complied. "I've got word from a reliable source… that you were fraternizing with the enemy." Ed began to choke on air.

"Brother!" Al ran over to his brother's aid. Once Ed was breathing properly again, he shouted a "WHAT!?" knowing that Roy was talking about the homunculi.

"FullMetal, I have undeniable proof." He lifted a picture of Ed approaching Envy with a hug, and Envy twitching. Ed lunged at the Colonel, but was held back. Lei entered the room and gave a smile and a wave.

"Konichiwa, Edo."

"Lei!?" the chibi alchemist exclaimed.

"Well…" Roy coughed and cleared his throat. "She's not the one, he's coming in now." The door opened to see…. Greed.

"Greed!?" Ed exclaimed. The homunculus smirked and shrugged.

"That's the name."

"Why would you do this!?" the addressed pimp chuckled.

"Because it's funny to see the military pull itself apart." He answered simply.

"Anyways, you'll be sent to the Fuhrer to converse about this." Roy continued, shooing the two sins out the door. They both shrugged and Greed left, Lei following.

"But… but.. but!... I-" Roy held his head in his hands, embarrassed to have such a subordinate under his control.

"Go." Ed sighed angrily, and left.

/…The Next Day…/

Lei was lounging on the couch next to Lust, whom was just lazily talking to Lei in a public café. The door slammed open and a fuming Ed stood there, glaring daggers into the two.

"Because of YOU!" he pointed at Lei. "I've had to sort things out with the Fuhrer for the past twenty-four hours! I don't get how-" his rant was cut off by a man, obviously homosexual, from the other couch calling to Ed.

"Yoohoo! You wanna sit with me, Mr. Fullmetal?" Lei giggled at the action. The other two looked at her, one about to attack her, the other confused.

"What?" Lust questioned.

"He's gay." She disclosed to her, laughing at Ed. He growled at her.

"You got me into this mess, you're gonna get me out!" She shook a finger at him.

"Naughty, naughty Edo-chibi! That's fraternizing with the enemy." He smirked evilly and Lei's eye twitched.

"What's with the look?...."

"It was the Fuhrer's idea." Lust laughed at that and Lei started muttering about how she wanted to kill Pride.

/…Later that day…/

In the middle of Central's main street, it was very busy. Ed and Lei were at an outside café.

"You know the plan, right?" he asked her quietly. She sighed and nodded.

"Please, Lei! I love you!" Ed exclaimed loudly. A lot of people stopped what they were doing and stared at what was happening.

"No, Ed! I can't! You're the Fullmetal Alchemist! I can't love you, I'd be in danger!"

"But, Lei!" he cried dramatically, obviously acting.

"No!" she cried back, hating herself.

"I'll keep you safe!" he yelled, trying to act heroic, and she stood up, pretending to hold back tears.

"N-No, I can't!" at this point, it was _supposed_ to be the end of it, and she was supposed to walk away. Too bad Ed's vengeance kicked in. He spun her around hugged her close, lightly blushing.

"Payback." he muttered smugly to her.

Everyone 'aww'ed or clapped. When they came back up, Lei was mentally killing Ed, but she wanted to go through with this so that she wouldn't have to do it again.

"Oh, Ed!" and she hugged him back, his face bright red.

/…Later, Night…/

It was déjà vu for Ed and Envy, except Envy was viciously beating Ed to a pulp and this time, wouldn't stop.

"Don't touch my toy!" he continued hitting him,emphasizing his point by punching, slapping, or hitting him with every two or so words. And Ed said, once again, one thing wrong….

"How 'bout a hug?"


End file.
